They say flowers come in all shapes and sizes
And are yet still beautiful.
Well, this flower is broken
Is wilted
Is brittle and dry of emotion
Yet drowning in sorrow
Watered by the tears I shed.
Broken down by the words I cannot escape,
The voices inside my head
Closing my eyes
Making those nurturing tears pour
Nurturing those terrible feelings
Those killing feelings
Killing my soul
Stealing my breathe
Racking my body in sobs.
My partner says my smile is the most beautiful part of me
But my smile is not my problem
It is my body, my size
And he says as he holds me that he loves that too
But when my clothes are tight and constrict me in their suffocating hold.
That is the touch I remember.
Not the caress of his fingers
The mark of his kiss
It is the clothes I use to hide me that I hold onto.
I should focus on the words of the ones who love me
But how can I when the screaming from within
Is deafening?
The mirror does not lie
The camera adds more than its claimed 10 lbs
Try 20, try 30, 40, 50, try more
Try the weight that I forced upon myself.
It is my fault
It is all my fault.
I’ve destroyed this temple.
I have scarred the walls with stretch marks
Rendering this skin apart
Darkened its curtains with discoloration
Conditions caused by what I have done to my body
I meet the eyes of my reflection and I see it
I see the pity
I see the pain
I hear the voices whispering
How can they whisper and yet be so loud?
But I slap myself in the face
Force my chin up
Meet my reflection’s eyes once more.
Damn girl.
Run my hands over these curves,
Throw my head back
Toss those waves
Look at that ass
That chest
That mighty fine woman.
Look at who she is
What she is
And what she shall become.
I hate what I see in the mirror.
But no
I don’t hate myself.
I am beautiful
I am sexy
I am me.
I love my hair
I love my curves
I love my smile
My personality is banging
I hate what I have done to my body
Yes I am beautiful.
But am I healthy?
No.
And do I want to change myself?
No.
I want to improve myself.
And damn it, I will.
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